So, I finally officially moved in to other house after lots of hesitation whether I should moved here or not. But last night there was a thing that made me think about how rekless I am.

As a human being and a person I always struggle with my idealism. Recently, well started couple of years ago I guess, I was thought that I really into children. I loved them, and I believe that I could be a good guider for them as I often made them laugh although I did it behind their parents back. And it happen also when I was staying in Australia. I was so fascinated of the children, caucasian children. Well, I’m not racist or the like, I just hade this obsession of white people, especially the children. Anyaway, back to the topic. Once I came back to Indonesia, I was luckily to be able to see my nephew. Yes, it was an amazing moment. At first he’s like afraind of me, since I’d never seen him for a year and a half, sort of.

And in short story, him and I were that close only by short amount of time. even closer between him and his parents. When I had to go away from him or went back to my home, he often cried because I was leaving. weird stuff, when I was with him even when he was with his parents, when I had to take off, he cried, but when his parents had to go, he kinda.. less-care. I did realize this aint good, I don’t want to take her from his parents. But I dont want to stay away from him all the time. he was the one that helped me went through my hard time. he always made me laugh, and cheered me up so I evidently forget about everything what I had, which is my trouble. well I can say, he made my trouble left behind.

this was happen for about two months, more or less. And till last night, I went down to his house with my sister, because his dad wanted me to check out is computer. And one thing led to another, I was realized that I should stay away from him, because everytime I was around, he was excited and forget about other people surrounding him. was that a good thing? for days and over a motnh now I always thought about that. sometimes I do feel guilty because of this situation. Maybe my sister was right that I spoiled him too much. But this kind of thinking was not a new thing for me. I did realize that. but I didn’t. I didn’t spolied him. All I want is him to cheer all the time. laughing, playing, and things like that. was it wrong that I want to make him feel good all the time. And I do want him to close with me. I’m not close with my dad, so I just don’t want me not close with my child. But then I realized that he is not my kid. And I don’t want to take him from his parents. I watched a movie couple of days ago. It was called “Charlie and Me”. very touching movie, I guess. Just like Charlie, never for second in my head that I want to take away this kid and I want him to close with me rather than his parents. But, I guess he and I had some similar things, and that what made him enjoy being with me. Well, at least that’s what I thought. myabe I was right, and maybe I was wrong. who knows what’s right when it comes to the feeling of a kid.

I felt really awful with this, and maybe if I keep staying there it’s gonna be hard for me not to play with him, because he’s so irresistable. So, starting from today I moved house. a little bit far so I limit myself in seeing him again. I’m scared to be honest with this situation. and perhaps this is the best for him and also for me. and as for me, I’m back to have no one who can cheer me up. I failed and I have been beaten by the situation. Painfull, indeed. I felt so rejected. It’s kina weird that in my own country I’ve been rejected, but in australia, even though someone say to me, “you like a weed, not native. that’s why you can’t stay here. you have to go back home”, I didn’t feel rejected at all. I’m not saying australia is better than Indonesia or even praise it, I’m just describing what I feel.

Sorry for the selfishness…