Kids, sometimes I really think that life is really funny. This week I was really busy working on the project that almost hit the deadline. Although, during my busy days I always thinking about her, but I try to keep struggling with this feeling and focusing on the job. So hard to do, I’m telling you. It would never been easy to focus on something if your heart and emotion is in the negative mode.

Well anyway, during all the work and stuff, I kinda wonder whether or not I should stop seeing her. The basis of this weird idea is that we weren’t in the same place. I already told her that I want to be with her and the like but for all I know, she still want to think about it before decided if she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. It’s a difficult decision, I know.

So this week was kinda perfect moment to give her some space, which implied to me that look alike ‘disappearing’ or the like. But the bottom line is I don’t leave her nor there’s someone else. I stick with my promise that I always wait for her. But life isn’t that easy. The strong whisper that keep telling me that I should leave her. I really don’t know what to do. So one midnight I was waking up and thinking that probably this was the good moment to share story with the Almighty again. And so I did.

I shared stories about her and what I wanted with her and of course pray that some day those dream will come true.

Surprisingly, that day my day was so light. It seemed like I have this energy from which I have no idea where they were coming. I felt full of spirit. The in that moment, I was checking my facebook news feed and seeing the status from Jason Mraz that informed that the song called “I won’t give up” is rising at that moment. So I checked what kinda song that is. And so I exploring the youtube to find out…

Finding the lyrics and the the song kinda amazed and surprised me. The song was so beautiful and inspiring. The lyrics there’s quite suitable for my situation right now. It’s like everything that I wanted to say to her, my intention and everything is written within the lyrics. It got me excited. I just cant believe that those happened. Then my first intention where I was willing to leave her has turned into I won’t leave her and I won’t give up on her, just like what the song said. The song also said that I should give her a time to think all through and all I have to do is just wait for her and yes of course, never give up on her… on us…

Here’s the lyrics and I’ m highlighting the phrase that suitable with my condition right now. And also I embed the official video from Jason Mraz.

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
there’s So much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools, the skills we’ve got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we didn’t tend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

So easy is our life
What’s mine is yours and yours mine
Hardly do we ever fight
We’d rather be kind

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get dark
I’m healing this broken heart
And I know I’m worth it

I won’t give up on us
God knows I’m tough, I am love
We got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

No I won’t give up on us
God knows I’ve had enough
We got a lot to learn
And we’re, and we’re worth it

Thank you Jason Mraz for this beautiful song that exactly defines my situation and tells me what should I do…

Dear someone who… Well, at least care enough to read,

I’ve heard a common phrase that more or less says, “how can you love someone if you dont learn to love yourself”. At first I totally agreed to this, but now I’m most certain doubt it.

What I believe that whether or not you agreed to this idea but human are a social creature. So it is impossible for us to live alone. We need at least someone to be interacted with. Even if just to chat, to ask for a help, or even to force him/her to do something. Bad or good, I’m not here to judge. The bottom line that we do need others to live our life.

Now here’s the catch. The term and activity of “Loving yourself” can lead either to selfish (negative) or independent (positive). How can you sleep well while others somewhere in other part of the world are misserable looking for a decent warm place to sleep. Think about it, by doing so, isn’t that mean that you are selfish? How can you justify of that being truth and admitting that you love all those poor people who struggle just for a warmth place to spend a night? The bottom line: you can sleep well, they can’t; you can eat delicious food, they can’t. Cliche maybe, but admit it that it’s true.

Still thinking that you love them in above all your gift to sleep and eat good food?

Now, what I realize is that. You dont have to love yourself in order to love someone. When you give a person something that they need even thought we also do need that that will end up you having a noble heart. Sacrificing yourself for others… That what makes you a hero. And by knowing that they happy because of your good deed, that will make you feel good as well; and happy to that extent.

With you are in the state of happiness, you will inject your body with a good spirit, enthusiasm, and positive mind and emotion. Therefore by loving someone and do things to others it is the key to love yourself. Dont deny it, I know you agreed.

So please, keep doing stuff to others. Focus on other people happiness. These other people could be your kids, family, or even unknown stranger. Doesnt matter who they are because every people do need help in one way or another.

And when someone wants to do something for you, just smile and accept the good deed from him/her even though you dont like someone doing something for you. This is because probably this person is trying to be a good person by helping you. Do you really think you have a guts to make him/her miserable by rejecting his/her good deed? Think again..

There’s a brotip that I agree:

brotip#1417 success is not measured by what you change in yourself, but what you change in others, bro.

Hence, if I may correct the phrase of the first paragraph, it should be: “you’ll be loving yourself by doing something to others”

Thank you for reading…

I feel sad today. Feel priceless. Because of nadya? What? No! well.. maybe yeah. Uhm.. no. ugh, I don’t know about that. The one thing that for sure why I sad today is because of my niece.

My 2 years and 6 months old niece was arrived at my home this morning as her mom had to accompany her brother to school. She was so excited to see me that morning. Until now I still don’t understand why she and her brother likes me a lot like that.

So I held her and carried her inside. She was running around inside the house. But the minute I was about to leave, I went to outside and while wearing my shoes, she suddenly showed up behind me leaning toward the sofa where I was sitting. She looked sad, so I asked her, “Hi there, you wanna go somewhere?” she just shook her head and still look sad. The she continued, “Uncle, please stay here.”

“I can’t. I have to go this morning.” I believe that what I said. From her face she looked so disappointing. I feel so awful can’t fulfill her request. So, I tried to play with her and chase her so she didn’t feel sad again. While she was screaming running into the house, I didn’t chase her anymore.

So I prepared the car. While I was sitting inside the car waiting my sister and dad, she’s apparently showed up with my mum. My sister said she wanted to say goodbye. So sweet! So I went out of the car and hold her just a tad before I get back inside and took off.

Well well now, look at that. By the time I wrote this my nephew and my niece called. Kinda change my mood into happy mood. Made me wonder why did I deserve to get this lovely mood. Despite that I grateful. Really…

Thanx for reading…

Dear people out there,

I feel the necessity to tell and write this small piece of my life exactly at the end of the year 2011. It was kinda amazing moments that I had.

The story began when I was in my room writing on my other blog that I was planning to finish it before the first day of 2012. But then suddenly my phone rang. It was my dearest nadya. She had had to work that day, and in fact that was the last day of her working in that office. I guess since it was saturday and well, the last day of 2011 so it should be a holiday but she had to work. She then asked me to go to her office. Actually, I was in the middle of my mission to finish the blog but since she was asking me, I was immediately said yes! But we had a little argument afterward because I told her that I kinda had to tell people in the house where I’d be going, which is meeting her. I think she just shy. Even though she said I shouldn’t come but hey, meeting her is all I really wanted every single day…

So I got dressed up and heading to her office by a cab. She told me to go to a mosque near her office since it was passed noon and she had to pray. We met there and we had lunch together. But it wasn’t that long because she had to go back to her office continuing her work till 5 pm. So I wait there…

During that wonderful meeting with her there was a small incident happened. She was scheduled to be on air at 2pm but somehow she forgot. So she had to accept some of yelling from her boss or director, or whoever in charge with that show. The funny thing was when she finally got into her office, she was being punished, she must stayed in the office. Forbid to go anywhere… lol

Then she told me to go around instead of just waiting her and do nothing. And so i did. But the funny thing was fortunately I realize that the gas was EMPTY!! Holly cow!! So i turned off the AC and praying that i can survive reaching the gas station. And tank god i did.. :)

Once the gas half full I went to a book store, buy some magazines and order a rootbeer. Once my watch showed 10 to 5, I headed back to her office and waiting her there.

She get out of the office around 15 to 6 and brought all of her stuff in one hand. I hear her yelling my name, desperately needed help for thise stuff. Surprisingly, I really happy when she said my nane like that. :)

Once everything was set, we then heading home. Sadly she had to go somewhere else with her friends. But before that, we still had time to spending time together. So, we had dinner. Yes dinner! I don’t know how but that day we were really in a good mood, despite the incident of her cranky boss.

During the dinner we were chattering killing time. It was a lovely moment even though there were some debates and arguments about the way we see things differently. But the most anazing moment for me was when it was passing 8 oclock and that mean new year and firework had been started in sydney. So that means I’ve jut spent my new year with my beloved nadya :)

Although she was exactly sitting beside me I texted her anyway to say happy new year. And she replied me back, yay! hehe… Then we went home. I drove her home and I hugged her before I was heading home.

But the story doesnt end there. I didn’t exactly went home. Instead I went straight to my nephew house. They were having a barbie. Even though I came late, but they still waiting for me and my sister to come. In addition, my nephew was willing to wait pass midnight to get sleep. So I played nintendo wii with him.

During the war of nintendo wii against my nephew, my iphone was making a sound. She was texting me. Yay!! I always thought that she completely forget about me once she gathering with her buddies. But not that night. That simple gesture that made the night more wonderful for me.

Surprisingly, we were texting until around midnight. Normally, we just sometimes cut the chitchat once the single emoticon appears. But not that night. I think she eventually didnt text me back becoz she already in her detination. I was joking by saying that I was sad since she didnt invite me to go with her. She felt sorry for that. But I said thats okay becoz I got a job to do by babysitting my nephew and niece. Yup, mimi was sleeping before eventually woke up becoz of the sound of the fireworks around midnight.

That midnight I was watching fireworks which luckly enough can be seen from in front of my sister’s house. So we just gather there enjoying the fireworks not just with family but also with our neighbour as well.

But the magical moment was not ended there. Once we were done with the fireworks it was time for me to go home. So I went straight home, take a shower, praying and ready to bed but suddenly my phone rang. it was nadya!!! Hoooraayyyyy! Apparently she rang me to say a happy new year. But I told her that we were already happy new year-ing at 8 pm before. Funny that she agreed to that and to some extent, judging from her voice she was excited! She understand that my time (and maybe my soul) was still in Australia. Probably that wasn’t important for you dear reader, but for me….. Such a wonderful gift from the universe :-)

The night finally end for me as I closed my eyes and…. I was disappear and flying to the dream land…

So Universe, thank you for wonderful and amazing moments of the last day of this year. And… thank you for nadya as well… I love her for being so sweet that day :)

Dear my loyal reader out there,

It’s 2012 now. I hope this year would be my turning point in my life. Let me walk you through it.

Up until couple of months before the year of 2011 was over I was still at my idealism, to name a few: never want to get involved in any relationship, never ever want to get married, does not really care about my future life, or I didn’t even care about my health.

But now… I’m breaking all those idealism. I think a lot about what kind of future that I want to have (where to live, family, kids, jobs), I tried to live healthy by playing basket ball occasionally in the morning or stop eating a lot, specially in the night time. Furthermore, I am literally involved with someone and to that extent I wanna and planning to marry her one day at the moment.

All these things have changed me in certain way. Breaking all the rules probably what I need right now. And all I need to do right now is started to make some kind of schedule for myself in regard to achieving and accomplishing my new dream. I do realize that it would never be that easy but at least I’m doing something because I want to make her happy. I just only hope that she can wait for me just a bit while, that’s all…

Oh, if you wonder why all the sudden I felt like to change, well simply put it’s all because of her. If I didn’t meet her 3 months before new years eve then in 2012 probably I wouldn’t have any good new year resolutions. Actually to be frank, I’m still not stating what kind of resolution that I’d have to this date. But what I do know is that I am willing to fix my life to be a better one.

It’s really amazing how life could be, right? I never ever imagine that someone can make me want to do more with my life. I guess we really don’t know what about to happen in our life. But one thing that we can do is just keep trying to do the best no matter what. If you believe to the things that you fight for, then never ever giving up. Things might not end up the way you wanted to be, but it is what the best for you to happen.

So, just life a live…

*uhmm….. isn’ it supposed to be “live a life”?

My dear readers to whom I don’t know,

It is solid then that I am really suck at a relationship. Today I just hurt my dearest one. I made her wait for me. You see, I called her this noon and she said she was going to some restaurants just for surveying. So I offer my self to drive her to those places. I said to her that we should use her car since all my sisters were out and use all cars. So, I told her to use her car instead.

We agreed to take off at 13.30. I was ready at 13.00 and while waiting for her to pick me up, I just play a piano. In my  house there is certain places that blocking all cellphone network, and the part where the piano is standing is one of that spot. So at that time I wasn’t be able to receive either phone, sms, nor chat. I thought it would be okay since she was the one that will come to my house. And all I can remember that I already said to her that I’ll wait for her.

But she didn’t show up. it was 14.00 and she still didn’t show up. I didn’t realize what happened so I move to other place at my house so I can at least check my yahoo messenger. And she was ym-ed me, asking me if I was ready or not. I said ready but still thinking that she was the one that gonna pick me up.

Long story short I was waiting at my front door waiting for her but then suddenly she texting me and suggesting me that we canceled the trip. I was confuse. I was never been this confuse. I didn’t know what to do, or say. But I really feel bad, then I begin to wonder and realize, “is it me the one that should come to her house?”. We had a small sms chit-chat but to sum up, I still don’t know that she was actually waiting for me.

She didn’t say she was upset, bad mood, or mad at me. Worst, she even didn’t reply my sms after I send her an apology for something that I wasn’t actually sure that I really made a mistakes.

But she finally texting me back and we meet this evening. I was gonna drive her to one of the place that she need to survey, but since the time wasn’t friendly, it was canceled again (this time not because of me, gladly). So we just have some dinner and well… talk.

For me probably this is the first time that I feel so guilty being around her. feel like just want to disappear. But I try to fight that will. for me it was really took a lot of courage to show in front of her. Normally, I just run away. much easier.

While on the dinner we discuss about what happen this afternoon and it shocked me that that was really my fault. Even thought I didn’t do it on purpose, but I really feel bad, feel guilty, feel low, and worst I didn’t know what to do. I can’t even think a single thing to make myself feel better even if she said that it was okay. So I eventually apologize. for making her wait, for ruining her day, for everything.

But this is the part where I think apologize isn’t that enough. And no, this time, I surely didn’t know what to do. So no story about how great I am making things right or the like because I wasn’t that person this time. I am disappointing at myself, for sure.

Today it should be fun. hanging out with her, chattering things and just even be there with her. I haven’t seen her for almost a week and today where I can see her, I made her upset. I was being jerk and lame. I shouldn’t make her wait. Damn I’m so stupid!

So that’s the story for today. I broke one of principle today, which is never make someone waiting for me. And the worst part was I was making my love one waiting for me. I just hope I can forgive my self just like she did. I don’t want to loose her…

I’m really sorry…

Dear someone who reads,

Let me tell you a little bit about my perfect moment that I spent with my niece.

As you probably know that when I was in my alpha mode I always had this mood in playing a piano. Which also means that my fingers is just moving the way they like and of course even basically I only press the keyboard randomly but surprisingly beautiful. What?? No, I’m not being subjective. So stop thinking of it!

Anyway, this exact morning, when I was waiting for her auntie to get ready, I was playing piano but then she suddenly came approaching me and said that she want to play piano with me. So I sat her on my lap. At first I played fly me to the moon and sang it to her. Not in serious mood of course, but in a mood of playing with her.

Then she said she wanted to sing twinkle-twinkle little star. so I played it for her while she was singing with her low-whispery  voice. She was shy, I can tell. But she surely enjoying the moment as well.

While I played some other song and sang it to her she just listened to me and occasionally played with the book that was standing in front of her. I tried to make her laugh everytime I can so she won’t be like bored or the like. And it was work like a charm :smile:

I remember while I was playing Love Is by Bryan Mcknight I was also playing with her. In every line of the chorus I stop and tease her. Sang again one line and stop! … then, tease her. and over and over and over again. Gladly she was laughed a lot.

Now during that moment I was really hope that she was there too. Of course you know who is this “she” refers to. ^^ At a lot of point I really want that to be happened someday soon. Kinda my perfect dream where I can play either guitar or piano in front of her and my kids while we have a picnic in the outside door. Well, you knew already about that dream.

I wish I can live ling enough to make that dream comes true…

oh one more thing, my niece is 2 years and 5 months old.

Dear anyone who reads,

This moment I can see snow everywhere. In every games that I installed on my Iphone, in the mall, movies, and even on this blog. Although, I still haven’t got a chance to see with my own eyes and feel it how snow is like, but that’s just fine.

I really like the appearance of this blog when wordpress adding some additional feature  which is a snow falling down and it moves toward where your mouse goes. I think it’s a beautiful thing. My picture header is also a river with a snow on the rocks in the side, it makes a perfect match with the snow. plus the basic color is calm blue. Am I being narcissism? well, maybe but I think I’m allowed since it’s a positive narcissism.

Speaking of snow, I remember that one time I was participating in a contest with a price of PHP framework, Expression Engine (EE). To join the contest is practically easy, all I need to do is just answering the question: what kind a superpower that I would like to have and why?

And here’s my answer:

If I was a superhero, I really want to have the power of creating and controling a snow. I never see snow with my own eyes nor feel it with my own hands. I feel frustrated, so If I had that power I will give snow to people who never had the oportunity feeling it by themselves, such as those people who live in the equatorial part of the earth (like me). And it would also be an excelent present for my lovely nephew and niece as what I believe that even though snow is extremely cold (that’s what I heard, although I should be having the power to adjust the temperature as well), but it brings a warmth to people who are being together, especially during this last weeks of the year.

I have been working in web development for like 5 wonderful years now. It was an accidental moment when It started. That time, I have had the envision to build web based applications/tools for astronomers to help their works. The project is still an ongoing ‘gig’, while in the meantime I was lucky enough to be able to achieve my IT master degree with specialization in web technologies. Yes, started as an autodidact web programmer and now, I am a master as is. Proudly moment! So, HTML, CSS, Javascript, PHP, and MySQL are my book and pen of life now. Wish could ‘write’ even more with EE while enjoying my snow.

… wondering what it’d be like having a snow at new year’s eve ….

I’m 30 this year and yet still wondering what snow would be like. Hopefully, someday soon don’t know where or when I might be able to feel it with my own hand. Playing together in a snow with my own dear family…

It’s just a wish. Thank you for reading…

My special thanks to Ed Merrit for a wonderful and beautiful theme.

Dear my beloved shoes,

I guess this is the moment when I hate
since I have to say goodbye to you

You have been a wonderful accompany for me
and -specially- my feet for years

You’ve been there when the rain comes,
you’ve been there when the sun shines,
you’ve been there when I was in my darkest moment,
You’ve been there when I was in my pride

You were there when I was happy
You were there when I was sad and cry
You were there when I was naughty
You were there when I was being weird

But even stuff has its own time
and you have reach your limit
where you cannot longer comforting my feet
I’m not blaming you and never will be

But my dear shoes thank you for everything you’ve done
your kindness will never be forgotten
And although I wouldn’t be able to feel your warmth in my feet anymore
but surely your warmth will remain in my heart

Thank you…

my dearest old shoes

I miss nadya. I wonder where she went? it’s been three days now. She’s making me worried. I hope she’s okay…