Posted by: ph1c0lad | July 10, 2009

Birthday

Dear Z,

I guess my birthday this time kinda unusual with all the previous ones. I got tons of birthday wishing. And over 90% of those greeting were coming from facebook. well, not from facebook, but my friends on fb wishing me using fb. yeah, you know that already. Only 1 of my friend who wishing me using sms, which is I found that to be so weird since this guy is active in facebook community.

Well Z, I’m 28 now and so don’t want to grow old. now I think I understand the feeling of people who stress being old. I know, I know you probably would say 28 is not that old but.. hey, at least I feel it that way before you do. That make me become special person, right Z? I think I can imagine how you want to slap me soo badly.

Anyway, the good thing of facebook I guess it reminds me that I’m not alone and lots of people out there remember of me. although some of the wishing I don’t know where the hell it was coming from. I guess from now on I have to get rid of the thinking that I am alone in this universe. I guess things are indeed different now, but my friends are still there out there. This is gonna be so hard for me Z, I wish you can feel just excatly how I feel. But well, you and I are completely different. Different in everything. and probably the only thing similar with us is that we are human.

Oya btw, even though I got lots of wishing, still I celebrated my birthday alone. you know what I did? I went to a cinema. I watch Transformer 2 and it was on premier. hehehe… I spent around US$5 to watch the movie on premier. this was my first time. Well, there’s no harm for me to spoil my self, right? Yknow, just like when you spoiled yourself by manicure and pedicure, or probably went to salon. yeah, you know, that girly stuff you are usually do. As for me, this is how I spoiled my self. Geeez, by talking like this I feel liek a girl already Z. NOOO!!!!

Alrighty, that’s all from me. So, how are you doing Z?

Warmest hugs from me..

Posted by: ph1c0lad | June 21, 2009

Selfish

So, I finally officially moved in to other house after lots of hesitation whether I should moved here or not. But last night there was a thing that made me think about how rekless I am.

As a human being and a person I always struggle with my idealism. Recently, well started couple of years ago I guess, I was thought that I really into children. I loved them, and I believe that I could be a good guider for them as I often made them laugh although I did it behind their parents back. And it happen also when I was staying in Australia. I was so fascinated of the children, caucasian children. Well, I’m not racist or the like, I just hade this obsession of white people, especially the children. Anyaway, back to the topic. Once I came back to Indonesia, I was luckily to be able to see my nephew. Yes, it was an amazing moment. At first he’s like afraind of me, since I’d never seen him for a year and a half, sort of.

And in short story, him and I were that close only by short amount of time. even closer between him and his parents. When I had to go away from him or went back to my home, he often cried because I was leaving. weird stuff, when I was with him even when he was with his parents, when I had to take off, he cried, but when his parents had to go, he kinda.. less-care. I did realize this aint good, I don’t want to take her from his parents. But I dont want to stay away from him all the time. he was the one that helped me went through my hard time. he always made me laugh, and cheered me up so I evidently forget about everything what I had, which is my trouble. well I can say, he made my trouble left behind.

this was happen for about two months, more or less. And till last night, I went down to his house with my sister, because his dad wanted me to check out is computer. And one thing led to another, I was realized that I should stay away from him, because everytime I was around, he was excited and forget about other people surrounding him. was that a good thing? for days and over a motnh now I always thought about that. sometimes I do feel guilty because of this situation. Maybe my sister was right that I spoiled him too much. But this kind of thinking was not a new thing for me. I did realize that. but I didn’t. I didn’t spolied him. All I want is him to cheer all the time. laughing, playing, and things like that. was it wrong that I want to make him feel good all the time. And I do want him to close with me. I’m not close with my dad, so I just don’t want me not close with my child. But then I realized that he is not my kid. And I don’t want to take him from his parents. I watched a movie couple of days ago. It was called “Charlie and Me”. very touching movie, I guess. Just like Charlie, never for second in my head that I want to take away this kid and I want him to close with me rather than his parents. But, I guess he and I had some similar things, and that what made him enjoy being with me. Well, at least that’s what I thought. myabe I was right, and maybe I was wrong. who knows what’s right when it comes to the feeling of a kid.

I felt really awful with this, and maybe if I keep staying there it’s gonna be hard for me not to play with him, because he’s so irresistable. So, starting from today I moved house. a little bit far so I limit myself in seeing him again. I’m scared to be honest with this situation. and perhaps this is the best for him and also for me. and as for me, I’m back to have no one who can cheer me up. I failed and I have been beaten by the situation. Painfull, indeed. I felt so rejected. It’s kina weird that in my own country I’ve been rejected, but in australia, even though someone say to me, “you like a weed, not native. that’s why you can’t stay here. you have to go back home”, I didn’t feel rejected at all. I’m not saying australia is better than Indonesia or even praise it, I’m just describing what I feel.

Sorry for the selfishness…

Posted by: ph1c0lad | May 29, 2009

Wonder Land!

Imagination can create any thing what you’d wished for

I guess this is a simple conclusion that I got from the movie Bridge to Terabithia. At first I thought this movie would look like Narnia or any dozens of magical movies that came before this. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong. Although, this movies did have a magical sense, but the journey itself was not about the war and fight that was happened in the world of wonder land. 

200pxI saw this movie was more showing the side of friendship and family matter. This what thouched me a lot. Having a bset friend was really important in our life because they can make your life change. It can fulfill the emptiness in your soul. You’ll have someone to share, to talk, to laugh, to fight, and to tease for. Especially when you were a kid, having a best friend I think would be the right momnet. Because what I see, when we grew up and have to live our own life – have a family and job – , best friend would only be just a friend. 

I always think that I have never had a best friend in my childhood. But I guess it depends on how we define what bestfriend is. I do admit that I do have some good friend, but best friend? I don’t know! would it because I didn’t feel that I have someone who is able to fulfil my emptiness? I guess this thought confuses me with the concept of a girlfriend. 

I was started to think about what bestfriend is when I was still in my undergrad. That time my role model was Timon and Pumbaa from the movie of Lion King, Lion King II, and Lion King 3. and learned the phrase from timon, “friends stick together to the end”. Timon and Pumbaa were a very true friend. they need one each other. And to be frank, I always need my friend yet none of them need me the way I need them. 

I guess at certain point I was so frustated and then I more liking and enjoying playing around with children under 3 years old, animals, and plants. With them I can talk and share my deepest feeling, eventhough they’re not understand excatly what I had been through. Well, it doesn’t really matter, actually. But being with them have always been a wonderful moment for me. I was in a place where I can find all those things, but now I have to back to reality and I do feel lonely. Perhaps, because of this I am so stress although I don’t show it in the front of any people that I know including my family. especially my family. 

I always though that everytime I feel this way, I judge myself spoil and egois. sometimes I do cry in my room, wondering and praying that someday my life would change back just like I was in australia, which means I could hang out and mingle with my very best friend: the nature! My land of Terabithia…

I’ll wait for that time to come…

Posted by: ph1c0lad | April 19, 2009

Reverse Cultural Shock

I don’t understand. over a year ago I was crazed about Singapore. I was amazed with the city, with everything that is so neat, so pretty, so glamorous, and so remarkable sight. But now, well, yes I do still feel amazed of what it has, but nothing more than that. When I arrived in the International Airport, the place was incredibly wow, but that’s it. So different in feeling when I was traveling to Bodalla, or any part of australia like Blue Mountains and every park that I mingled with, including the blacktown. Before I was so vehement living here in Singapore, but now… not a small part of my heart said I should live here. And I won’t live here.

I’m not at home yet, but I feel so home sick. not homesick to my real home (Indonesia) but my new “home”, Australia. I guess this is what they called reverse cultural shock. Althought I had never experienced the culture shock, but now I do get reverse cultural shock.

I hate to be in the place where people are speaking with my language. I hate the fact that even we spoke the same language we still had less hospitality rather than those people that who speak different language. I don’t know why, but maybe because it’s just the way we are.

I miss the Aussie nature…

I miss my vollies friends…

“just because it is, doesn’t mean it should be”

Posted by: ph1c0lad | April 10, 2009

Yapping

One more week..
I’ll be getting out from here..
seems like waiting hell after paradise..
counting days..
it’s just a matter of time..
before everything has to be ended..
and start moving on..
facing the differences..
of something new in front of my face..
to carve new memories and new histories..
really hard to avoid all these things..
’cause time flies..
no matter what..
until I finally realize that everything so damn crazy..
I never know when I’ll be seeing you again..
maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, or maybe never..
so merely it’s just a memory..
an abstract thing where you and I were there..
it ain’t real anymore..
it ain’t tangible..
fragile..
wipe it and immediately gone..
as simple as clapping my hand..
I want to stay..
I want to be here, with people that I love..
and not alone…
because “being alone sucks!”..
I’ve found my paradise..
yet I haven’t found my angels..
where they and I could enjoy how beautiful this is..
not getting my hopes up..
I may not be found my angels..
maybe that’s ok..
maybe it’s just the way I am..
maybe this is my story..
or maybe this is someone’s story..
and I’m stuck inside it..
free me..

Posted by: ph1c0lad | April 8, 2009

David and Laura

I honestly can’t believe of what happen yesterday. It was a day where I have to say goodbye to David and Laura. Although it wasn’t my time to say goodbye to all of them, but that definitely my last time to meet both of them. I can’t come next tuesday where David usually there, and Laura have to take weeks off because she has a gig in Easter Show.

I didn’t know it was gonna be my last time to see them, that’s why I didn’t prepare anything. I kinda hope I could have a picture of or with them, but I don’t have a camera and Liz also didn’t bring hers. I was so bummed..

David was a talker and sometimes he was just goofing around and made us laughed with his words. Although I sometimes didn’t catch or understand every single words that he said, but I’m pretty sure that if I understand I might be respond to his joke. What a nice guy…

man, I can’t believe this kindergarding are partying. please guys, this is a sentilmentil moment!!!! ughggg….

Laura, she was a ranger to me. She doesn’t want to be called “ranger” even though she did like one. I guess what make her like a ranger was her hat and her glasses because when I stripped them off from her she just Laura. And when I tried them on me they said I do look like a ranger. She always response to other people saying, I guess she has a lot of experience though. Sometimes when she made a joke (or maybe innuendo) she did saying that with serious face, such as when she said she never want to go to Bali. Liz and I took her words so seriously while at the end she just say, “I’m just kidding”. hahaha!

Laura is pretty and great one… and she has beautiful eyes. I just realized when I was talking to her yesterday :)

Bye Laura… 

Bye David…

Posted by: ph1c0lad | March 12, 2009

Denial

Mate,

I feel so weird today. Stress and anxious still fulfilling my heart. But then there was something in me that say, “AKH, SCREW IT!!” 

So I went volunteering and I acted so unusual. Maybe people there didn’t realize my differences, but I felt so freakin not-me. I talked unnecessary things. I behave so beyond me. too many laughed and I even injured my self. I was fooling around but unfortunately (or fortunately?) no one understand my joke. Anyway, I guess this time liz got back to see me as the “happy thio”. well, good thing, though because no one felt pity at me. 

From the work, I went down to city. There while waiting for my meeting with my supervisor I laid down on the grass at Hyde Park. I could see the sky really blue with white cloud moving slowly and the wind felt so breezy. The birds are pretty and…. well, everything was so perfect! I felt so peaceful, but in my brain all hates! I wrote something when I was there just to express what I had in mind…

I hate people who walking around me!
I hate all those cars!
I hate the trees, the birds, and the leaves!
I hate when people are chattering!
I hate that two lovers couldn’t stop kissing in public!
I hate building, sky, and earth!
I hate that I have to pee!
I hate all the green-y things in the park!
I hate love!
I hate sad!
I hate happy!
I hate rage!
I hate hate!
I hate irresponsible people!
I hate being hurt!
I hate that stupid f*cking moron!
I hate to the people who say I couldn’t stay here!
I hate everything!!

Then when I was on my way home. I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I felt this denial in myself. And once I got off from the bus, “the sick” still attacking me, then nex thing I know my eyes wet and some tears falling down. I looked up the sky, I could see Orion, Crux, and Alpha and Beta Centauri. I also saw the city from there where the lights were on. It was sunset and really beautiful. 

I’m stress mate, I’m freakin stress!! I don’t want to leave this country!

Lousy government with those stupid rules!

Posted by: ph1c0lad | March 1, 2009

Changed

March the first, they say it’s a “clean up australia day”, yet I didn’t see any “clean up” things anywhere. Or maybe I didn’t go to the place where they were. Or maybe I was wrong and the clean up thing is not happening today. I don’t know, all I know that I was registered for volunteer a day before D-Day and I noticed that we suppose to be gathered at pitt street at 8:50 am. So I was there 15 minutes earlier and waiting anyone to show up. But, no one’s there. bummer! I wasn’t sure what went wrong and I just to bother to make a call. So I wait for half an hour before I decided to go back home.

When I was in the neighbourhood waiting while enjoying my breakfast cookies, I saw a homeless needy. he was sleeping in the corner of the intersection. I saw him quite often when I happened to be in the city. I feel sorry for him, so I approached him and shared my cookies. Well, actually eventually I gave all my cookies to him because it wasn’t that much left. The moment after that I felt so great! Seeing that poor man smiled made me felt very happy. I guess people should be smiling all the time because that what gives the world a strength…

Before I took the bus heading home I bought a pack of plastic bags. I remembered that on my way to city that morning I passed a spot in my university where there are lots of crap. So dirty! and I don’t think anyone would want to clean that up. So I was willing to do that, ’cause no body wants to do that, I guess. 

In the end I got three full of crap bags just for one spot. Man, I thought it was gonna be easy, but apparently, harder than I thought. even thought what I did was just pick up most of garbage there, but I felt like I was working out. I was sweating just like those people who jog or sport. And definitely so tired!

a lot of small accidents happen when I “work” there. I got struck down in the hole, got scratch and bleeding because of the spiky tree and several times banging my head to the branch of trees. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with this kind of stuff now. I guess on some level, I am changed. But I don’t know this kind of change is a good or bad one. I don’t know whether I have to feel nobel or stupid, because I believe not many smart people are obsessed with this kind of things. And if that was true, then I definitely a stupid one.

I feel strange with myself at the moment. I guess, I’m back in the stress mode. I looked in the mirror and found that grey hair start to appear again. I remember that I have this phenomena when I was stressed because of my study. And after I finished my study I never had this greay hair anymore and I was enjoying being a volunteer. But then lately I couldn’t sleep well and something filling up my brain. It’s bothering me so much but i don’t know what kind of thought that actually exist in my brain.

*sigh*

Probably, it’s jus because I’m alone…

Posted by: ph1c0lad | February 28, 2009

“My Boyfriend’s Friend”

Ok, so this morning I went to Sydney Aquarium located in Darling Harbour. My super-nice-supervisor has arranged me a free ticket to get inside the aquarium since her boyfriend is working there. Although she couldn’t come but I just don’t want to miss a free ticket (never say no to free ticket, hehe!) so I went there alone.

She instructed me to go to the counter and told them that I have a free ticket waiting and I have to mention my name. so I did..

Thio (T): “Hi there, I believe I have a free ticket waiting?”
Nice-lady (NL): “oh, ok, what’s your name?”
T: “um, my last name’s Adinugroho”

The nice lady was looking at the list of the free tickets roster.

T: “can you find it? probably under the name ‘Thio’”
NL: “mm…no… are you sure your name is on the list?”
T: “yeah, that’s what they’ve told me”
NL: “who putted your name on the list?”

I wanna say, “my friend, jack” but I’ve never met Jack. So I decided to say “my friend’s boyfriend”. but instead of saying that I innocently said…

T: “um.. my b-boyfriend friend, jack”
NL: “jack? ok…”

The nice lady was looking at another list before she got back to the first one and saw my name on the list.

NL: “oh, here you are. Ok, you may come in through that way”
T: “Ok, thanks!”

While I passed through the entrance I just realized and shocked, wait, did I just say ‘my boyfrend’s friend’??? HOLY COW!!!!!! I accidentally said I was gay! YAIKSS!!

I guess I will never go back to that aquarium!! ~x(

Posted by: ph1c0lad | February 21, 2009

Paradise

I never though that I’m gonna use this word, “paradise”. I even on some level don’t believe the existence of it until several days ago I saw it by my own eyes. I’ve written this journey and everything that I could think of when I was there in my book. every word, every sentence and every story are based on what I feel and they were genuinely true coming from my deepest heart. no censored attached! If you were interested in seeing or reading it I guess you’d have to wait until I die.

Since my experience in this paradise was quite short for human life and quite long to be told by writing them, I guess I’m gonna point out certain things that really excited me the most. So here we go..

Mate, I was in the paradise!!! I’ve seen PARADISE!! WOOHOO!!!!

Last week, when some people celebrating valentine’s day I was alone, yep yep yep, not having a girlfriend sometimes really frustrating. So, I took a trip to a place called Bodalla in south coast. It was hundredth of km from Sydney and a little bit closer to Melbourne comparing to Sydney. My intention to go there was to see Kangaroo in wild after my super-kind project officer, Liz, recommended me to experiencing the beautiful australia by having a trip to outside the city. She offered me to stay at her parents house/farm. And apparently, her parents is the member of couchsurfing community. It’s a community that let people (stranger) stay at their place without have to pay some cost. that’s a brilliant concept and a nobel community, I guess.

kangarooSo I was stayed there for 3 days and 2 nights. Liz’s parents picked me up at bodalla, it was so sweet to do that because their place was like 20 km from my bus stop. after we met an acquaintance we were directly heading to a place where we could see Kangaroo and wallabies. On the way there, we passed through a place called Black-fellow beach.

wallaby and meOk, so we arrived in a place where Kangaroo and Wallabies were all over the place. definitely not a zoo! I played with them. try so hard to be able to touch them, because they pretty shy I guess, everytime I got close to them, they hopping away. So, I might have to try attracted them. I moved my hand up and down hopefully they’d be interesting of what I was doing. Well, evidently they did! some of them started to approach me. The curiosity of the lovely animal was unstoppable. They were sniffing my hand before then they realize that my hand wasn’t food to eat and they begin to hopping away from me.

RoseneathOnce we got to see the Kangaroo, we went to John and Pam’s farm. the place was so lovely. They have garden with lots of veggies planted there. The inside of the house was not like what I had in mind. All furnitures were futuristic. I felt like being in the hotel room. And definitely not spooky like in Indonesia, though.

John cooked me Laksa. And we shared lots of stories. my favourite one was when we were talking about Liz ^^. that girl apparently has a interesting past when she was a kid. John and Pam told me that she loves to read so badly. In fact when she was a kid, she tried to read in the shower. She attempted to stick the book in a glass/mirror so she could read while she was showering. hahaahhaha! everytime I remember this and try to imagine it, I couldn’t stop laughing! And John said that lucky enough the book always fall down. So, reading in the shower had never been successful mission for little Lizzie.

ConnieThe next morning we went to the birdland. It was a zoo. Pam and John took me there so I could see Koala. Yes I did see koala there, even though they were sleeping (because that’s what they do, sleeping for 20 hour every day). And I also saw any other animals. Wombat was the one that made me amused. The wombat’s name was Connie. she was a baby. she was extremely cute! when we were standing outside her cage, she was slowly approaching us. I think she wanted to play. I guess she was alone, though. Poor little creature!

Koala

Koala was another cute creature that we saw. *ups, I’ve already told you before* I don’t know why but somehow they remind me of my fatso sister, hahaha!

uphillBefore we went to the zoo, Pam took me to a place called Moruya (sound like Meruya Ilir, aye?) and from there we had a bushwalk for about 30 minutes. Quite fast for bush walk actually. But Pam was successfully amazed me when we arrived in some sort of hill where we could look down and saw a beach and ocean from above. It was amazingly beautiful! I couldn’t describe how beautiful it was, but it did look like I was in a paradise. The ocean, the hill, the green colour from the plants, the light blue sky, a little bit raining. That short moment was really fabulous!

fish and chipsWe had a lunch at Fish & Chips in Batesmans Bay before we went back home. And we made a stop couple of times so John and Pam could show me the beautiful side of australia. Couple of km from the house, John took me to bushwalk heading to the farm while Pam took the car to get back to the farm. While we bushwalking we kind a hope we are able to see Liar Bird. John told me that this bird have an ability to imitate the sound or singing other birds. They could even make a sound of electric saw or even the sound of truck when it’s going to move backward. Kind amazing bird with such a talented gift, if I may say so. It’s too bad we couldn’t get a chance to see one. However we did see a black bird called Glossy-Black Cockatoo, when you see they fly, you could see that they have red strips on their tails. Special bird and rare species, if I’m not mistaken.

And finally we arrived home and it’s time for me to cook the dinner. I made Pecel, traditional vegetarian omelet eggs ala Warteg, the bitternut cracker and the most famous food in indonesia, Indomie fried noodles, hehe! the Indomie, I introduce them as a “poison”, and I guess they’d remember it as a poison because once we finished the dinner John called Lizzie and told her that I made them a poison, hahaha! I was a little bit scared when I started to cook because John told me during the cooking time, “thio, everyone that cook in here if the food wasn’t good then they had to sleep with the chicken.” Oh Dear GOD! I just hope I didn’t screw the omelet.

indonesian mealSo, not long after that the meal were ready in the table and it was a judgment time!! they tasted it and…. they liked it! ^^ Pam said she love the texture of the meal which I wasn’t so sure what was that mean. And John like the Pecel sauce. Well, my opinion, the sauce was really great. Taste like what my mum used to make at home. When I tried that sauce with Pecel, “ooohhh… it feels like home.” I said that and they laughed. And we managed to finish everything on the plate. well, except for veggies, mainly because I didn’t make enough sauce that night. “So John, do I still need to sleep with the chicken?” and he said no. YAY!!! Also I remember we had a toast, “to the cook!”, said John. John and Pam had a wine for their drink and since they know that I don’t drink wine everytime the photos were taken, they hid the wine so it wouldn’t apprear in the photos. They said they did that so that my mum and dad would not see the wine. hahahaha… 

Finished eating, before we went to bed, Pam and I had to struggle to find out how to print out a postcard using HP printer. Yep, Pam offered me whether I’d like to make a postcard to be sent to my mum and dad. We had to deal with three mal print out before we finally nailed it. I had made 2 postcards, one for mum and dad and the other one for “my mum” in Bandung. 

Before I had to stay underneath the blanket I had to made one last task. I made something for liz. I hid it somewhere in the room where I slept. Well, I guess they’re never gonna find it anyway. So it’s not a big deal. hehe! And even if they managed to find it, they’d never know that it was coming from me.

I felt tired and next thing you know I fell asleep and woke up at 5, which when my alaram had been set off. I felt really strange that morning. I felt so light, it was so quite. no sound of cars or the like. only the sound of nature accompany me in the dawn. I was still in my bed and not long after that, my brain was picturing the city, with lots of people and less natural green. I swear to God that at that time there were tears coming out my eyes. Yes, I was crying and I kept saying to my self that “I don’t wanna leave this place“. On some level, this journey was giving me not only experience but also fullfiled my dream. Call me sentil-mentil, girly, or whatever you like, but I can’t lie to my own heart. I felt so peaceful!

In the morning when we were about to have a breakfast, it was raining and I said to John and Pam, “ow, it’s raining“. then they told me that last night was harder than that morning. “didn’t you hear it?“, John asked me. “No..” I shook my head. “hahaha…“, John laughed, “then you must be sleeping very well, though.” I guess I did sleep well that night after couple of days I couldn’t sleep well, including my first night in the farm. But I’m glad I could get a nice sleep in the house. ^^

Alrighty, it was time to say goodbye. John had to do his routinity on that morning. so Pam was the one that drove me to the bus stop. Just before John leaving, I said thank you to him. I hugged him and she hugged me back so hard and he said, “give this to Lizzie“, which on the next day I did hug Liz so hard just what her dad wanted to, hahaha!

John, Pam, MeJohn, Pam, and me

Nothing left to be told, that was my story in a place that I refer to as “My Paradise”. Yes, apparently it is really difficult to confince people that the place was really a paradise. I think people have to feel it for themselves so that people will know what it was an amazing exerience and fabulous feeling I had. I guess I really lucky join the volunteer and meet Liz. She’s the best! No body proud of my work as an environmental volunteer, but having this job has led me to a place that I called…

The Paradise!


*Thank you John, Pam, and Lizzie…*

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